Is The Trump Dog Real? A Very Serious DebateBy Blair Morris
December 12, 2019
On Monday, Donald Trump heaped a mountain of praise on the “beautiful dog” who chased down Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Because it was injured in the raid, the hero dog was awarded a Pawprint of Honor by the President this afternoon, seemingly the highest honor in the country for dogs who are also cops and soldiers.
The Jezebel staff was immediately split on whether this beautiful, talented dog was actually awarded a medal. None more than my colleague Ashley Reese and I, who took the hard stance that neither the dog or its hero medal are, in fact, real. A shock! Why on Earth would the President of the United States tweet a falsified photograph of an award ceremony? It’s simply ridiculous. And so, we decided to debate our disagreement in blog form like civilized adults.
Joan: When I showed the dog to my colleague Ashley Reese, she didn’t believe me that a real dog won a real medal! How can anyone hate this hero dog, who is an AMERICAN HERO! Who also won a medal. For defeating ISIS! I don’t know about you, Ashley, but that looks like a real dog to me. For one, it’s smiling. Real dogs smile! They also have tongues, which you and I have as well. Are you saying that it is not only a real dog, but that it doesn’t have a real tongue? I’m unconvinced.
Ashley: Joan, I understand why you would buy into the Trump administration’s clever propaganda machine; you are merely human. But there is no way this dog received a medal from President Trump. Such dogs are trained to sniff out and neutralize dangers. If this dog is as amazing as he’s hyped up to be, he would have attacked Trump on sight. Instead, he is photographed in complete doggie bliss, patiently waiting for Trump to award him with a paw print-embossed medal. This photo is either fraudulent or the dog is a fraud himself!
Joan: Ashley, I cannot believe you would accuse me, esteemed blogger, of having being fooled by the president’s propaganda machine. My question to you would be: If this was not a real dog, how could it also be in the photograph? I hear silence in response! Trump is not a wizard, and he has no magic. And dogs are the most trustworthy beings on the planet. There is no way the Big Dog Lobby would willingly soil their reputation by putting a human being in a dog costume, which is the only other sensible explanation. Are you suggesting that Donald Trump forced one of his goons into a fursuit? That I can believe.
Ashley: Look, next to endless war, the government’s expertise is photo manipulation! Have you not seen a grainy 9/11 truther slideshow video from 2007 on Youtube? Trump is no wizard, that we can agree on. But I think the fursuit idea is worth exploring. The government probably has the most advance fur suit technology money can buy. I mean, that slobbery dog tongue? You can’t photoshop that realism! Yes, I can believe that this is all just staged, a human in a fursuit awarded a fake medal of valor. What we really need to ask is who is in the fursuit? Jared Kushner? Stephen Miller? Kellyanne Conway? Donald Trump Jr?
Joan: This is compromise, which ironically, is also a cornerstone of “democracy.” If only the administration could learn by example! Back to our fursuit theory—I’m glad you’re of the same mind. We know that Don Jr. has been doing his damnedest to bulk up through weightlifting. I suggest we cross him off our list. I also think that Ivanka’s bob is sharp enough to slice through the pursuit, ruining the illusion. My biggest guess would be Jared Kushner, whose gangly limbs and skeleton-like demeanor nicely simulate the legs of a dog. I also think that Kellyanne Conway could fold her bones up like origami, and her nails seem long and sharp—like the dog’s claws!
Ashley: You’re right. While Don Jr. would love nothing more than his father’s praise—even in the form of a clever ruse—he is just too beefy to pull this off. Kushner works. I see it! We truly are exemplars of democracy. Reaching across the aisle on controversial issues to come to the conclusion that Kushner, a stringy, haunted sliver of a man, would be ideal for this job. Beautiful. We… we solved it?
Joan: We absolutely solved it. No doubt that when the entirety of the internet is put on a hard drive and shot into space, the aliens will see this moment as a landmark decision in the great arc of our civilization. The only question left, which I doubt we will ever get the answer too: Will the government ever release this fursuit technology to the public?
We solved it—or did we? Whether you think that Kellyanne Conway folded her brittle bird bones and rotting carcass into the shape of a dog, or Jared Kushner’s gangly spider legs and are stuffed into this dog, let us know who you think it might be!